Chapter 2, On Being a Child

“If there is one universal characteristic young children share it is their ability to live in the moment; to react to situations solely on the basis of how it affects them at that time. They do not consider the circumstances surrounding what brought them to that moment and put no thought in what may take them out. They see and feel only what is happening to them right now. Just ask any young child what they did an hour or even fifteen minutes ago and they will likely reply the same, “I don’t remember” but ask them to describe in detail what they are doing right then and there they will narrate a novel’s worth.

Experiencing life moment by moment can be invigorating, but for many children it is also very confounding. Their emotions are coursing through their bodies at a rate too quick for them to comprehend. They can’t understand why they aren’t able to open the top of the water bottle while we open it with such ease or why their older brother can dress himself while they struggle so hard to do the same. Instead of coming to terms that they may not have as nimble fingers as we do they throw tantrums and refuse to accept help. They aren’t able to identify their feelings of frustration and as results have no means to express them; they are left to work these challenges on their own, but with no real means to do it.”

Chapter 3: The Detective Parent

“A big part of being a parent is being a good detective. And like all detectives we need clues to help piece together our case. There are plenty of unsolved cases that parents struggle with everyday; the most prevalent is The Case of the Underlying Reason, the mystery behind why children act the way they do. Why do they change behaviour from one day to the next, why do they fear certain experiences over others, why do they throw tantrums over the slightest change in routine? If we get a handle on ‘why’ we have a better chance of figuring out what their underlying struggles are and work to create solutions that will help them tackle their challenges.

But clues don’t fall from the sky that easily and when they do they are sketchy at best. An 18 month old struggling to put on her socks won’t readily tell you she feels frustrated or upset because she wants to emulate her big sister, or a three year old who refuses to listen when you ask him to put away his toys won’t slip into a diatribe about how you didn’t listen to him the night before when he asked you for an extra chocolate chip cookie. Underlying reasons aren’t all that obvious because they aren’t obvious to the children who are experiencing them. What does the 18 month know of frustration? How can she best deal with her emotions when she not only is limited by her vocabulary but her inability to understand her own feelings? Or the three years old who doesn’t listen? Is his refusal a clue that he is defiant or tired, distracted or angry? The truth is young children have a hard time understanding their own feelings and as a result have difficulty expressing them. This is where we step in. We need to put on our detective hats and get to work to uncover the mystery behind some of our children’s most challenging moments.”

Let’s take the example of four year old Charlie. Every Saturday morning Charlie’s father drives him to swim class and every Saturday morning Charlie kicks and screams refusing to leave the car. Charlie is the shortest in his swim class and is not yet able to swim independently. When you ask him why he doesn’t want to go swimming, he answers “the water’s too cold.” You know the water to be at 86 degrees. So why doesn’t Charlie want to go swimming? Is there someone in his class who has made fun of him? Is he embarrassed wearing the bathing suit you gave him? Did he swallow water once and is afraid to have it happen again, or does he feel uneasy standing on his tippy-toes when he has to near the deep end with the rest of his classmates? There are a whole host of reasons why children may or may not want to do something. So how do you find out the real reason? You knock the potential reasons off one at a time beginning with the one you believe is the most likely given all the information and experience you have.

Here’s an example of a detective parent at work:

Charlie’s father guessed it was Charlie’s short stature that made it uncomfortable for him to be in the water. But instead of asking Charlie whether that was the reason, he led his son to explore it for himself. Now that both Charlie and Charlie’s father pieced together the clues as to why Charlie doesn’t want to go swimming it is up to Charlie’s father to chart him through the emotional waters and figure out a solution that will help Charlie tackle his problem.”